pain.

What a rough day. I'm pretty sure my cyst is coming back. Just when it feels like we're making headway on saving up money, disaster strikes! well, ok. it might not be disaster, but let's face it. I'm a bit on the dramatic side, especially when it comes to pain. I am, a pansy.

I plan on calling Christian Healthcare on Monday. I'm really really hoping that they will have immediate coverage. I'm also really hoping to be able to take care of this in a clinic, instead of the ER this time. This could go really well, or absolutely terrible. Being the negative-nancy I am, of course I'm preparing for the worst. I know I'm going to need surgery, since this is the third time I've had this pilonidal cyst. If you haven't had one, you are lucky, and cannot imagine the pain.

Whenever I am in pain, or preparing for pain, I am the worlds biggest grump. I feel so bad for Josh. I am also the hardest person to try to console. It's a bad combo. But I do have a wonderful husband. I was in tears for a good two hours, stressed and worried. We were sitting in the living room, looking into the kitchen, and I said something about wishing I could paint. (Our house is full of wood. yuck.) And then Josh said that we will someday build a house together. "Right," I said. "because we're saving so much money between the hospital bills." And then he looked me in the eyes, and said, "I married you, and promised to love you, through sickness or health. Well, that wasn't actually in our vows, but....you know..." I love him. He is truly amazing.

I feel like the worst person in the world on days like this. Its so very humbling. I'm angry, and upset, and feel like I have every right to be. I really don't. I wish I could justify my behavior, but it just boils down to the fact that I am a selfish person. I know bad things happen in the world. I see it all the time. Yet, I react horribly any time something bad happens to me. And I don't know why, or how to change my reactions. I'm coming to realize that I believe something: that I don't deserve these bad things that happen to me. When did I start to believe that lie? Of course I deserve them. I am a sinner, unworthy of love, or blessings. Yet, Christ has saved me, and made me righteous. I feel so ugly and dirty when I look back at my actions, pouting over something bad, big or small. God is showing me His love, through Josh. I love marriage. I love my husband. And I love Jesus. His love is so overwhelming, and it's embarrassing that I can simply force myself to forget that when I go into a pity party.

My moods are intense. When I am happy, I am happy. When I'm upset, run. I don't necessarily like this, but Josh has helped me realize that I am a passionate person. And passion can run either way.

*sigh* It's days like these that make me ache for Heaven. I'm sick of fighting, sick of illness. But that ache for Heaven is good. We aren't meant for this world.