tears.

tears of joy. 

of sorrow.

of stress.

of worry.

its all so jumbled right now.

i had say goodbye to my dad tonight unexpectedly. thats when the tears started. i havent cried yet amongst all of these goodbyes. i knew the water works would begin once it came to family. i just wasn't expecting it so soon.

tonight was a going away party for bethany, a dear friend of mine from YWAM here. she's going back to canada for a while to see her family, and then she'll be road tripping with her sister. there's talk of her coming to see me in oregon :) pretty excited about that. her party was alot of fun, being pirate themed and all. like always, i was a little over-kill. i showed up, expecting everyone to be in costume, but the average was simple striped shirts, or bandanas. to put it lightly, i was jack sparrows. oh dear, i felt out of place, but tried to make the most of it. in the end, it was fun being the hit. bethany said i made her night. 'both jack sparrows AND laurel came to my party! what more could i ask for?'

[again, i'll post pictures soon. i just dont have alot of time right now to edit pics.]

i dont know how ready i am. i wanted to have the rest of my stuff packed up to make it easier on mom and dad for the move. there's just so much on my mind...stupid doubts about fears of being judged. 

'like omg. look at how much stuff she brought. shes such a materialistic girl.'

or how first impressions are so important. and normally, my first impressions are either:

-being snobby and mean

-or being 'that girl'...you know, the really loud annoying one.

ug. ug. ug. i hate being a worrier. 

i'm totally dreading saying goodbye to my mom on saturday. i'm going to be such a mess. saying goodbye to everyone in homer is hard enough. but shes my mom. my best friend. my life line. i honestly dont know what im going to do without her. im crying already just thinking about it. 

its all hitting me at once. thats how life usually does it. not one thing at a time...one big whammy. 

i'm so excited. so scared. so worried. 

i know if i said 'timing couldnt be worse' then somehow...it WOULD get worse, but this is really really bad timing. 

'just stay one more week!' mom keeps saying. i wish i could. i want to help, but i cant. mom and dad have so much going on. you couldn't make up the drama that happens in our family. its pretty unbelievable. 

ug. i could keep going on about all of my worries. my stupid fears. but i need sleep. shut my brain up before i think myself to insanity.

goodnight insane world.